A month before I came to the Journey to the Heart, life at my home was falling apart. Problems that had been discreetly covered over in public life were causing so much anger and pain that life was almost unbearable.

I grew up in the Philippines. I loved the people, loved the ministry, and loved seeing so much of God. His hand was working in troubled lives through the testimonies we shared with one another. He was ever present and always sufficient. As I got older, the cares of living caught up with me, people and relationships became more tangled and I began to put God farther and farther down on my list. He became so common that I took Him for granted.

Then our whole ministry came crashing to pieces.

Ugly problems that had been working in secret finally surfaced. My father sat me and my older brother down and said: “We are leaving.” The only thing that came to my mind was that this was some king of cruel joke.  It could not be happening.  It was not possible.

It was true.

In one month our entire lives were packed into boxes and I found myself in a foreign country (but my passport said it was “home”) where I knew little more than the geography and the language . . . and little of that.

For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;

The next year I spent much time working on my own to survive. I waded through the morass of teen life trying desperately to salvage some sort of meaning. The mission climate I had been accustomed to made “teen problems” seem shallow. I buried myself in books to find some life wherein I could understand people, where life had meaning, and where my wounds wouldn’t hurt so badly. I sunk so deep into depression that I would wonder why I even wanted to remain alive.  Into my vortex of pain, God began to tenderly turn me toward Him.

Come and see the works of God;
He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men.
He turned the sea into dry land;
They went through the river on foot.
There we will rejoice in Him.

In 2008, during a session with Teen Pact, they gave a time for personal prayer and meditation. For the first time in about 4 years, I was able to still my mind and I asked God if I could ever go back to the Philippines (my life goal, basically). Suddenly, almost like a physical touch, I heard the word “Here.” “Here?” I asked. “Why here? I don’t fit in here. I will freeze to death here!” Then, in the midst of my complaints I realized that I had stopped His Spirit from speaking to me because of my complaints.

If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!

I came to the Journey to the Heart hoping that God would see my gifts in language and culture and send me off to a foreign country where I could put them into action for His glory.  I wanted God to fix the problems in my family that had caused our ministry in the Philippines to collapse.  But He didn’t do that.

More than ever I knew that His calling for me was “here”—to serve my family and be a missionary to them. Their problems and their wounds were something I could speak to. This was the mission that he had uniquely equipped me to accomplish.

It was stunning and overwhelming to realize. It was heavy and taxing for me to agree to.  But I am fulfilled and blessed to be doing it. I realized that Journey was giving me the tools to reach God’s Heart and show it to my family. It has not been easy. Coming home I could not say anything to my mother without her getting angry at me and saying how bitter I sounded.  I searched my heart over and over . . . but found nothing.  Then God gave me a rhema: Psalm 59. I was then able to pray for her and work on loving her without words.

About a week later, when I was driving my younger brother to an activity, he looked up at me and said: “I don’t know how you dealt with how angry mommy was at you that first week after you came home!  I know I would have yelled at her . . . .” and he continued on his train of thought.  It was a blessing to my heart to know that my efforts had not only calmed the situation with my mother, but my younger siblings also saw it and it was a testimony to them!

Say to God,
“How awesome are Your works!
Through the greatness of Your power
Your enemies shall submit themselves to You.
All the earth shall worship You
And sing praises to You;
They shall sing praises to Your name.”

He has sustained me and been closer to my heart than a brother.  He has also allowed me to know things that I would not normally know, and has given me hope.  Andy said over and over that hope was what would keep us going, and hope has been His gift to me in numerous ways.

Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.

~ Jen
September 2009 Journey

I was the youngest daughter of Joanne, the owner of those two gold necklaces.

The police were at the house questioning my two oldest sisters, Jessica and Amy. I can’t recall what my brother was doing, but I know what I was doing. I was sitting in her room, crying. My mother was gone and I didn’t know where she was. I had just turned 11 one week prior and I could not understand the chaos in my young life.

Finally, my oldest sister, Jessica, told me that I had to go to bed. Jessica was crying, but she was trying to be strong, if for only the sake of me. Everyone in the house was worried about one thing: Mom had done what she’d been threatening to do.

I cried myself to sleep, in fear of what would happen in the morning. When morning came around, I awoke to the heart-wrenching sobs of my sisters. It was true then. Mom had really done it. She’d been saying that she would do it for months, and now finally she had. My mother had committed suicide.

I didn’t believe them. It couldn’t be. It didn’t happen! It wasn’t until I saw my brother, that I believed the police’s report. He was sitting on a white lawn chair sobbing. I’d never seen my brother cry before, never. I knew then that it was true. My brother was crying and then I broke down and cried too.

A Troubled Past

My home was definitely not a good place to grow up in. There was fighting, drinking and drugs. My mother smoked marijuana and drank more often than not. I watched movies and saw magazines that no little girl should EVER lay eyes on. I picked up the language of my older siblings. At about age 10, I was cursing and saying things that I wish I’d never have said. The truth was, I hated my family. I hated my mother, and unfortunately I told her so on many occasions. I couldn’t stand how she drank and smoked. When she did, she became a different person, a stranger to me.

When I was 9, my mother took me for a walk. Deep inside, I could tell that something was wrong. My father had died of cirrhosis of the liver. I cried and cried. It was awful. Why was everything so wrong? Why? Why? Why? It was a question that I asked too many times to count.

Sadly, suicide became more tempting every day. I thought about it a lot. How I could do it, when I could do it. It’s horrible to think about it, but the thoughts floating around in my head were there and I couldn’t get rid of them. But, I didn’t want to get rid of them. I entertained them. It was horrible. I was only 10 and I was thinking about suicide nearly every day!

However, I was afraid. I was so afraid of dying. At the same time, I wanted to die, yet, I didn’t want to die. I didn’t know where I would go when I did. Yes, there was always the pleading thought to end my life, but I never followed through. In the back of my mind, it would creep upon me every once in a while.

A Turn Toward Christ

I moved in with my Uncle, Aunt and their four children. Their home was the complete opposite of my former home. Like a breath of fresh air after going through a fire. They’re Christians.

I was extremely introverted during those first few weeks. I didn’t want to talk about anything that had to do with my past. My Uncle and Aunt would often talk with me and ask me questions, but I would only clam up.

I knew who Christ was and how He died on the cross for my sins, but I wasn’t ready to accept Him as my Lord and Savior. I didn’t understand why God would do this to me. I was so angry, that I didn’t want anything that had to do with Him.

One day, we went to our pastor’s house and we watched a moving film about eternity. It scared me. I knew where I was going. I was going to Hell and it terrified me. Well, shortly after that, I asked my Uncle and Aunt to pray with me. I prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior!

A Transformed Heart

However, I didn’t realize that bitterness was still on the throne of my life and it was growing within me. I had a boiling cup of anger within me, aimed toward God and my family. How could He let this happen to me? I tried to ignore it for the most part while continuing my Christian walk. Actually, it was more like a struggle. I didn’t want to talk about my past. I was still a closed person.

In 2007, I had the opportunity to go to Journey to the Heart. It’s a journey to discover what’s in your heart and what the genuine heart of God is. It was there that I broke. I had so much bitterness by this time that I couldn’t stand it. I fell to my knees and begged for God’s forgiveness. I was so grieved for holding all this anger toward God; the God that created me and gave me life.

The weight that was lifted off my shoulders was incredible. I now had a desire to follow God and to do His will. It was no longer the fear of Hell that prompted me to follow Him. I had come to realize the depth of my own sin and how much He loved me.

I was free! I was no longer in bondage to the chains of sin that held me. I don’t know what God has planned for my future, but I can now thank Him for the fires he took me through. I now realize if I hadn’t gone through all of it, I would still be on the path to Hell.