I thought I looked fine as a Christian homeschool girl—I wore the skirts, I read the books, I smiled—and I didn’t mind. In fact, I accepted those standards as my own, so I didn’t feel like I needed to change my heart in any way. I read God’s Word and liked it, I had dedicated my life to Him, and I spent nearly an hour every morning in devotions and prayer. I didn’t feel like my spiritual life was dry, and it certainly didn’t look like that to outsiders. I knew I was having some trust issues, and I knew there were areas in my life in which I needed to fully surrender to His will—but I thought I was able to deal with them alone.

From day one of the Journey I was challenged to examine my heart more thoroughly than ever before. I looked into my life and I saw . . . myself. It was like going into a library filled with one subject—me. Shelves filled with volumes on my experiences and articles on my talents; walls covered with pictures of the things I’d accomplished and detailed schedules of my future. There were a few notes on what God had done in my life and a couple of pictures of the gifts He’d given me, but that was all.

To tell you the truth, I was horrified! I looked into my life and saw few evidences of real humility, Christ-like grace, or genuine love—enough to get by as being a “good Christian,” but not enough to be truly Godly. You might not have noticed it from the outside, but after discovering it, I knew, and the knowledge made me rather uncomfortable. One morning on my prayer walk around the lake in the Northwoods, I stood chewing my nails at the door of the self-library of my heart. Then I felt Jesus come up behind me and ask, “Do you believe that I can do a great work in your life?”

I said, “Sure. You can do anything.” But then God revealed one big area in which I had not trusted Him—my future. I realized that through desiring my own way for my future, I was taking it out of God’s hands and saying, “Thanks, I’ll handle this.” By being afraid of failure, I was failing to trust that He had a perfect plan for my life.

So I told God I would trust Him, no matter what. I told Him how it would be hard for me sometimes, and I asked Him to come alongside me and encourage me when I felt like I couldn’t trust Him any more. I asked Him to make His presence and love first and foremost in my mind so I’d never forget. It was so freeing, handing my future back to the Lord!

Immediately, He brought to mind part of a message Mr. Gothard had given us back at Headquarters on what a blessing it can be to give God a period of years while you are still young and single to focus on serving Him without distraction. God said to me, “I want you to give me the next four years of your life and dedicate those years to single service. I will use you fully for me, and you won’t need to worry any more about how your youth will be spent.” At first I thought, “Why? I gave you my whole life—now you’re taking any possibility of marriage within the next four years!” (Now I realize how ridiculous that excuse was . . . I’ll only be 21, after all!) But He convicted me to give Him the next four years in which to remain single, with no reservations.

I did. Once I placed that area of my life in His hands, I was filled with joy! I wanted to sing! (It’s a good thing I was alone on my walk, because I don’t have the greatest singing voice… <g>) I realized that through giving God the next four years, He would be able to create in me the person He wanted me to be. Every decision, every thought, and every idea would be placed into His caring hands. It was among the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made . . . four years is a long time! But I felt so blessed by the knowledge that He would always be there for me, I would gladly do it again if He asked me to.

Another one of the things that changed my life during the Journey was hearing God’s voice. I’d never heard Him like that before. He spoke to me personally, and I want nothing more than to experience that for the rest of my life. Psalm 25:4-5 says it very well: “Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.” He speaks to us, teaches us, and shows us our way, if only we take the time to listen. I experienced His presence – a presence that I want to live in constantly.

Yet another thing that really convicted me was the message that my team leader, Madison, gave us one evening in the Northwoods. She spoke on praising God. How often do we ask Him for favors? When He comes through in small but miraculous ways, do we just say, “Oh, thanks, God!” and continue with our life? The next morning, I was reading Psalm 33:8: “Let all the earth fear the LORD: let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him.”

It was like God was saying to me, “Am I awesome enough?” So many times we throw that word around. “Oh, that’s awesome!” Is it really? Synonyms for awesome include breathtaking, astonishing, and overwhelming. Wow! Is God awesome enough? That morning, I told Him He was awesome enough for me!! I purposed in my heart to praise Him for every little thing.

I came home refreshed and encouraged. I came home with a humbled, purified heart. While on my Journey, my Lord and I cleaned out my heart’s library and washed it from top to bottom. Even now, as I continue to learn more about Him, He is filling me with His radiance and inhabiting my heart as His home. I’m far from perfect. I’m far from ideal. It hasn’t been easy. But I know it will be rewarding if I lived a poured-out life for His glory alone. I went from having a life centered on my own agenda to traveling the road of Christ-likeness—an exciting and continuous Journey that will take a lifetime!

~ Hannah
March 2010 Journey

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    This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 at 12:02 am and is filed under Journey Testimonies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.