Come and hear, all you who fear God,
And I will declare what He has done for my soul.

"Problems that had been discreetly covered over in public life were causing so much anger and pain that life was almost unbearable."A month before I came to the Journey to the Heart, life at my home was falling apart. Problems that had been discreetly covered over in public life were causing so much anger and pain that life was almost unbearable.

I grew up in the Philippines. I loved the people, loved the ministry, and loved seeing so much of God. His hand was working in troubled lives through the testimonies we shared with one another. He was ever present and always sufficient. As I got older, the cares of living caught up with me, people and relationships became more tangled and I began to put God farther and farther down on my list. He became so common that I took Him for granted.

Then our whole ministry came crashing to pieces.

Ugly problems that had been working in secret finally surfaced. My father sat me and my older brother down and said: “We are leaving.” The only thing that came to my mind was that this was some king of cruel joke.  It could not be happening.  It was not possible.

It was true.

In one month our entire lives were packed into boxes and I found myself in a foreign country (but my passport said it was “home”) where I knew little more than the geography and the language . . . and little of that.

For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;

"I waded through the morass of teen life trying desperately to salvage some sort of meaning."The next year I spent much time working on my own to survive. I waded through the morass of teen life trying desperately to salvage some sort of meaning. The mission climate I had been accustomed to made “teen problems” seem shallow. I buried myself in books to find some life wherein I could understand people, where life had meaning, and where my wounds wouldn’t hurt so badly. I sunk so deep into depression that I would wonder why I even wanted to remain alive.  Into my vortex of pain, God began to tenderly turn me toward Him.

Come and see the works of God;
He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men.
He turned the sea into dry land;
They went through the river on foot.
There we will rejoice in Him.

In 2008, during a session with Teen Pact, they gave a time for personal prayer and meditation. For the first time in about 4 years, I was able to still my mind and I asked God if I could ever go back to the Philippines (my life goal, basically). Suddenly, almost like a physical touch, I heard the word “Here.” “Here?” I asked. “Why here? I don’t fit in here. I will freeze to death here!” Then, in the midst of my complaints I realized that I had stopped His Spirit from speaking to me because of my complaints.

If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!

"I came to the Journey to the Heart hoping that God would see my gifts in language and culture and send me off to a foreign country"I came to the Journey to the Heart hoping that God would see my gifts in language and culture and send me off to a foreign country where I could put them into action for His glory.  I wanted God to fix the problems in my family that had caused our ministry in the Philippines to collapse.  But He didn’t do that.

More than ever I knew that His calling for me was “here”—to serve my family and be a missionary to them. Their problems and their wounds were something I could speak to. This was the mission that he had uniquely equipped me to accomplish.

It was stunning and overwhelming to realize. It was heavy and taxing for me to agree to.  But I am fulfilled and blessed to be doing it. I realized that Journey was giving me the tools to reach God’s Heart and show it to my family. It has not been easy. Coming home I could not say anything to my mother without her getting angry at me and saying how bitter I sounded.  I searched my heart over and over . . . but found nothing.  Then God gave me a rhema: Psalm 59. I was then able to pray for her and work on loving her without words.

About a week later, when I was driving my younger brother to an activity, he looked up at me and said: “I don’t know how you dealt with how angry mommy was at you that first week after you came home!  I know I would have yelled at her . . . .” and he continued on his train of thought.  It was a blessing to my heart to know that my efforts had not only calmed the situation with my mother, but my younger siblings also saw it and it was a testimony to them!

Say to God,
“How awesome are Your works!
Through the greatness of Your power
Your enemies shall submit themselves to You.
"All the earth shall worship You And sing praises to You; They shall sing praises to Your name."All the earth shall worship You
And sing praises to You;
They shall sing praises to Your name.”

He has sustained me and been closer to my heart than a brother.  He has also allowed me to know things that I would not normally know, and has given me hope.  Andy said over and over that hope was what would keep us going, and hope has been His gift to me in numerous ways.

Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.

~ Jen
September 2009 Journey

    This entry was posted on Saturday, March 6th, 2010 at 3:54 am and is filed under Journey Testimonies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.