The house was in an uproar. Two gold chains lay atop a dresser in the master bedroom on the second floor of the house. The usual wearer of those chains was nowhere to be found. Something was wrong, very wrong. The person to whom those two necklaces belonged to never ever took them off, unless she absolutely had to do so. The woman was a single mother of four: three daughters and one son.

JuliaI was the youngest daughter of Joanne, the owner of those two gold necklaces.

The police were at the house questioning my two oldest sisters, Jessica and Amy. I can’t recall what my brother was doing, but I know what I was doing. I was sitting in her room, crying. My mother was gone and I didn’t know where she was. I had just turned 11 one week prior and I could not understand the chaos in my young life.

Finally, my oldest sister, Jessica, told me that I had to go to bed. Jessica was crying, but she was trying to be strong, if for only the sake of me. Everyone in the house was worried about one thing: Mom had done what she’d been threatening to do.

I cried myself to sleep, in fear of what would happen in the morning. When morning came around, I awoke to the heart-wrenching sobs of my sisters. It was true then. Mom had really done it. She’d been saying that she would do it for months, and now finally she had. My mother had committed suicide.

I didn’t believe them. It couldn’t be. It didn’t happen! It wasn’t until I saw my brother, that I believed the police’s report. He was sitting on a white lawn chair sobbing. I’d never seen my brother cry before, never. I knew then that it was true. My brother was crying and then I broke down and cried too.

A Troubled Past

My home was definitely not a good place to grow up in. There was fighting, drinking and drugs. My mother smoked marijuana and drank more often than not. I watched movies and saw magazines that no little girl should EVER lay eyes on. I picked up the language of my older siblings. At about age 10, I was cursing and saying things that I wish I’d never have said. The truth was, I hated my family. I hated my mother, and unfortunately I told her so on many occasions. I couldn’t stand how she drank and smoked. When she did, she became a different person, a stranger to me.

When I was 9, my mother took me for a walk. Deep inside, I could tell that something was wrong. My father had died of cirrhosis of the liver. I cried and cried. It was awful. Why was everything so wrong? Why? Why? Why? It was a question that I asked too many times to count.

Sadly, suicide became more tempting every day. I thought about it a lot. How I could do it, when I could do it. It’s horrible to think about it, but the thoughts floating around in my head were there and I couldn’t get rid of them. But, I didn’t want to get rid of them. I entertained them. It was horrible. I was only 10 and I was thinking about suicide nearly every day!

However, I was afraid. I was so afraid of dying. At the same time, I wanted to die, yet, I didn’t want to die. I didn’t know where I would go when I did. Yes, there was always the pleading thought to end my life, but I never followed through. In the back of my mind, it would creep upon me every once in a while.

A Turn Toward Christ

I moved in with my Uncle, Aunt and their four children. Their home was the complete opposite of my former home. Like a breath of fresh air after going through a fire. They’re Christians.

I was extremely introverted during those first few weeks. I didn’t want to talk about anything that had to do with my past. My Uncle and Aunt would often talk with me and ask me questions, but I would only clam up.

I knew who Christ was and how He died on the cross for my sins, but I wasn’t ready to accept Him as my Lord and Savior. I didn’t understand why God would do this to me. I was so angry, that I didn’t want anything that had to do with Him.

One day, we went to our pastor’s house and we watched a moving film about eternity. It scared me. I knew where I was going. I was going to Hell and it terrified me. Well, shortly after that, I asked my Uncle and Aunt to pray with me. I prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior!

A Transformed Heart

However, I didn’t realize that bitterness was still on the throne of my life and it was growing within me. I had a boiling cup of anger within me, aimed toward God and my family. How could He let this happen to me? I tried to ignore it for the most part while continuing my Christian walk. Actually, it was more like a struggle. I didn’t want to talk about my past. I was still a closed person.

In 2007, I had the opportunity to go to Journey to the Heart. It’s a journey to discover what’s in your heart and what the genuine heart of God is. It was there that I broke. I had so much bitterness by this time that I couldn’t stand it. I fell to my knees and begged for God’s forgiveness. I was so grieved for holding all this anger toward God; the God that created me and gave me life.

The weight that was lifted off my shoulders was incredible. I now had a desire to follow God and to do His will. It was no longer the fear of Hell that prompted me to follow Him. I had come to realize the depth of my own sin and how much He loved me.

I was free! I was no longer in bondage to the chains of sin that held me. I don’t know what God has planned for my future, but I can now thank Him for the fires he took me through. I now realize if I hadn’t gone through all of it, I would still be on the path to Hell.

    This entry was posted on Sunday, July 12th, 2009 at 9:10 pm and is filed under Journey Testimonies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.