It’s 12:00 am. I lay staring at my computer. Just minutes ago I was startled awake by what? I have no idea. After tossing and turning for several minutes, I found it impossible to go back to sleep while talking to God, so I decided to get up and document this part of my spiritual journey.
I had the realization in church tonight that all I really do is live for me. I live for the ‘Brooke’ on the outside, not for the Brooke God desires me to be. Tonight instead of just bringing about conviction in my spirit, God gave me a picture. I’m not sure yet that I totally like it, but it’s a reality check, a spiritual reality check and as hard as it is, it’s good for me. I know I need it.
I’ve known the meaning of my name forever, the name Brooke means ‘to go forth in a small way across the face of the earth.’ I know that a brook is something full of gentleness, nothing to be afraid of, a refreshment that brings joy, good memories, and a sense of contentment. What I have found recently though, is that I am doing just that—for myself!
There are a couple of commandments that most of us are familiar with, and would most likely say that we never break—you know, like ‘thou shalt have no other gods before me.’ Well, surprise, surprise, I have committed idolatry; sometimes even almost blatantly. I don’t really know why I do it. I desire to serve God, but sometimes my desire to please myself is so much greater!
I have taken no time for God lately while I spend hours on myself. I spend at least 30 minutes a day grooming myself (most days longer), countless hours working or in school and a few pleasurable hours reading books. Is anything wrong with these activities? No, I really don’t think so, but the thing that is wrong is that I am totally leaving God out of my life. Sure, I still pray, I read the Bible, but I have not been putting God first. I have failed in my commitment to God and I am miserable. I am worn out. I am tired. And my family would attest that I am a little more than grumpy. A pretty far cry from what I am called and desire to be.
I want to do great things with my life. I want to be a Gladys Alward, a D.L. Moody, a Fanny Crosby, an Amy Carmichael, a person who does great things and make great sacrifices for God. I want to be a place of refreshment and joy for those around me, but I am not doing that.
A couple of years ago, I was in New Zealand and witnessed a huge flood that washed through the town of Marton. The stream that flowed through the property was full of trash, mud and impurities. It was an incredible thing to see. This is how I feel I have allowed my life to become. I cannot be refreshing to anyone because I am not pure, I am not clean. My life is cluttered. There’s trash and contaminants in my soul.
observed each year throughout the United States of America as a National Day of Prayer. Since then, many of us have witnessed the removal of prayer from schools and legal institutions. Our nation seems to be collectively turning from Christianity. It still comes as a surprise, however, that this year, President Obama did not issue a proclamation establishing the 7th of May, 2009, as a National Day of Prayer until late afternoon of that day. The USA is in desperate need of that from which it runs. The very God which it rejects is its only hope.
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