Living the Journey

Last Tuesday morning found me waking up to the sun’s first rays on Wolf Lake and the singing robin outside my open window in the Northwoods. My heart had been craving for this special time of rest, refreshment, and renewal with God so long! I eagerly reached for my Journal and started writing.

I quickly filled a whole page with my desires for God for the week, and opened God’s Word to find His requirements to obtain those desires. After several hours reading, I was utterly ashamed and horrified with myself. I picked up my journal and realized that the only thing God wanted on the opposing page was “Holiness and purity by His definition only.” Suddenly, He asked me a question that filled another page and broke my heart deeper with the realization of who I actually am. My pen began to write faster:

“Who says it is not sin, the dividing force between you and Me, when you choose to spend too much, when you fall into self-pity, when you ponder a fleeting judgmental or lustful thought for just three seconds, when you do what you consider a ‘small sin’? It still destroys our relationship.

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I was raised in a Christian household. I have six younger siblings and was home-schooled all the way through high school. I had made many “say the prayer and you’re saved” kind of commitments to Christ but I always ended up doubting them. I was never sure of where I’d end up after I died or if I was really one of God’s children. I made a semi-solid profession of faith when I was 13 and was baptized at 14. One of my grandfathers died that same year. I was very close with Pawpaw and I couldn’t understand how a loving God could take away something and someone I held so dear if He really loved me. I began to fall away from the Christian faith.

I abandoned my family’s Christian beliefs for a variety of other religious beliefs. I took bits and pieces of Catholic, Islamic, and New Age mindsets. Through those contrasting beliefs my mama and  I began to have conflicts. I didn’t realize it at the time but I began to hate her. We would get into huge arguments  about simple things and Biblical issues. She stayed very true to the Word of God and what she believed God told her was His will, while I went by feelings and anti-Christian beliefs.

Through a turn of events and an out-of-state move, I began to be drawn back to Christ. I still didn’t live to God’s highest standards but I was turning to Him more and more. I felt that I was right with God but I wasn’t asking God if I was; I was still going by feelings. I didn’t want to give everything to God. “Otherwise,” I thought, “what would I be in charge of?”

I was making arrangements to move out on my own when one of my friends e-mailed my mom and said that I had been on her heart and she wanted to know if I would be interested in going to the Journey to the Heart retreat coming up in June. I knew we couldn’t afford it and the timing was off, in my opinion. It was 4 days after I was supposed to have been moved out. This just wasn’t going to work. They offered the possibility of a partial scholarship for me if I was interested in going. continue reading…

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With sixteen wonderful children, the Bates family is rather extraordinary!

Listen in as Mr. and Mrs. Bates tell the story of how they got married. In the process they explain what they wish they had known when they were single and how to avoid the temptations that brought unnecessary problems in the early years of their marriage.

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The anger, bitterness, depression, and thoughts of suicide that Ben experienced, along with narcolepsy and related medical conditions, were traced back to physical abuse that he experienced in his childhood.

Wrong Responses

Ben responded with anger and bitterness, along with closing people off and not trusting anyone. He built up skills in fighting so that he could fight back.

Then came the lies: “I am a failure. God hates me. I am worthless. Life is not worth living.”

Deepening Stresses

At fifteen, Ben began to have a problem with lust. Because it was left unchecked, this led to secretly listening to rock music. He then got caught up in pornography.

Depression set in and he struggled with thoughts of suicide. One day when he was twenty, he loaded a gun and walked out to the back pasture to end it all. His father stopped him, but he continued to listen to rock music whenever he could.

Ben’s desire was to be free, and he tried many things in his own flesh. However, he could not find freedom, because he was too proud to tell his father everything about his past failures. Soon things started going wrong again and even got worse.

How the Truth Set Him Free

When Ben arrived at his Journey, he had two goals: to conquer lust and to deepen his walk with God.

He writes: “The very first day, some of the fellows from a previous Journey shared how sin’s strength was in its secrecy. God really spoke to me through these guys and their willingness to confess secret sins to their parents. Finally, I called my dad and told him everything. At that point, I was free!

“I then realized that I had to take away the things that were influencing me toward the world. I thought my music was OK and the movies that I watched were OK. I was so wrong!

“Now, as I’m home, I am able to flee when temptations come. God has given me His grace. I’ve had a new boldness to witness. I also made a vow to remain pure until marriage and to never look at pornography in any form. It has been amazing to be so free!”

~ Ben
March 2009 Guys Journey

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