In my last post, I wrote on how the Lord had cleansed me from worldly music. He did. However, it was only another step through the door of true understanding. Although there was a new found resolve in my heart from the vow I made to the Lord, I felt as though I was still putting forth most of the effort in every area of my life and spiritual maturity.

It was like a shadow on the wall of my heart. No matter where I went, I couldn’t get away from it, and trying to wipe a shadow from a wall doesn’t work. This shadow was not specific unconfessed sins, but rather the core of who I was illuminated by God’s Word. Stopping the Light of God from purifying me completely, this darkness of self led me into deeper and deeper misery.

In my outward life, things were actually going the best they ever had. The Lord had cleansed me from a stronghold, I was striving for righteousness, and I felt confident that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do. But there was still the shadow. When I wouldn’t get up for devotions, a sweep of hate would fall upon me—a hatred of myself. I wanted to kill myself. “Either Christianity is miserable or it isn’t real.” That is where my thoughts often directed themselves. When the ever-looming fact of my inadequacy to please God would continue to present itself, I would continue to run back to what I believed, to what I had done to prove that I was God’s child.

Truly, everything good is the work of the Lord. It comes only from His mighty grace which flows from His heart of love—the Life of Jesus. In my pathetic state of strong-willed iniquity, God still sought me. The Lord kept knocking—calling to me tenderly. All He wanted me to do was open the door, see who I really was, confess my absolute inadequacy, and let Him and His goodness fully into my heart.

O how we are blessed with a God that pursues us diligently! On my knees—powerless, hopeless, and defeated—I opened the door. When the genuinely evil motives of my self-righteous heart were revealed, God poured down His grace from heaven and glory filled my soul.

In the morning, when the pure excitement of true salvation began to sink in, I noticed something else. No shadow.At first I felt no different, but knowledge of the truth of His Word in my heart grew. By that night I couldn’t sleep for the joy that was burning in me. In the morning, when the pure excitement of true salvation began to sink in, I noticed something else. No shadow. I had it all backwards. This was never my own journey to my heart. It was God’s journey to my heart! And now, “It is finished.” He has won and cleansed me. I am His. And now the journey of Christ in me, which I knew nothing about, begins.

~ Tim
June 2008 Guys’ Journey

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm and is filed under Living the Journey. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.